Self-Regulation and Decision Making

Research suggests that the average person makes about 35,000 decisions per day. Many of these decisions are small and unconscious, like whether to get up right away when the alarm goes off or stay in bed for another ten minutes. More conscious decisions, such as what to eat, what to wear, or how to respond to someone, range from a few hundred to a few thousand each day.

People often remain stuck in familiar decision-making loops, even harmful ones, for several reasons. Repeated behaviors become habits, and habits function largely outside conscious awareness. The brain loves routines because they save mental energy. Once a loop is established, it feels easier to stick with it than to change.

Many addictive or harmful behaviors also provide an immediate dopamine reward, for example, sugar, social media, drugs, or codependency. The brain prioritizes instant gratification over long-term consequences, which is why people repeat these behaviors even when they know the cost.

Even unhealthy patterns can feel “safe” simply because they are familiar. The uncertainty of change can feel more frightening than the known pain of a bad habit. Additionally, humans are prone to biases such as present bias (valuing immediate rewards over future ones) and status quo bias (preferring to keep things the same), which make breaking out of these unhealthy loops even harder.

Many self-defeating habits also serve as coping strategies for stress, anxiety, or trauma. Even if they are destructive long-term, they might provide temporary relief. Sometimes people simply lack the tools, support, or knowledge to build healthier patterns, so they continue doing what they know.

This is where I come in as a therapist. Most people come to me stuck in a negative feedback loop with a hidden payoff they are not even aware of. They desperately want to change and are in real emotional pain because they cannot find the way out — yet they cling to the very things that keep them bound.

I believe this is what the apostle Paul was alluding to when he said:

“For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do — this I keep on doing… Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
(Romans 7:17–25, NIV)

We have the grace of God available to us to change, but we must make a decision to change. This is where I see the most powerful shift occur: in the decision itself. As the Twelve Step programs say, “Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to a God of my understanding.”

The deep work is uncovering what is getting in the way of making a decision for growth and health. Sometimes the strategies we use to stay “safe” are the very ones that create more pain and suffering in our lives. For example, if we shut down in a relationship to protect ourselves, we might avoid getting hurt, but we will also lose the possibility of deeper connection. This pattern can become habitual, and until we hear complaints from others or feel our own intense loneliness, we may not realize the need to decide to relate differently.

This can trigger a crisis of internal conflict: the very thing keeping us safe is also keeping us from meaningful connection.

To grow, we must step out and make a decision, and sometimes repeat that decision, to apply ourselves to a new way of thinking, acting, and being. It’s like a person wanting to tone their body: they must first decide to start working out and eating differently. Initially, they might feel deprived because their previous eating patterns may have provided dopamine rewards to mask low self-esteem. To build true self-esteem, a new mindset and new behaviors are required, and it all begins with a decision.

This process will feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and risky, but without a decision, no growth will happen. The same applies to every endeavor, especially in relationships. If we continue reacting the same way to others, we will get the same results. It takes courage and vulnerability to interact differently, to break free from patterns of disconnection and conflict.

It takes enormous courage to move away from an addiction or stretch beyond character traits that once protected us from being hurt or misunderstood. But the joy and fulfillment on the other side of change cannot be explained; it can only be experienced.

Come experience an Igniting Purpose (ignitingpurpose.net) workshop, where you will gain tools and practice to strengthen your resilience for change in a safe and joy-filled environment.